Aftermath

It have been about 1 wk after that "hell of a wk". Things have been mostly been settled down and now i am preparing for my exams, but one thing have been haunting me is her. Sometimes i can't stop thinking about her. Probably i can't let her go.

I have been doing a lot of thinking these days, wondering wat to do after my exams. i have planned a lot of things for her b4 we broke up, but then with her gone, i probably lost my motivation. To tell u honestly, i am not as good as you think, i have my own flaws and my own past. Without her, i lost my motivation to quit smoking.

i thought of the times we were together, the places we went, the things we saw and the things we did. Now it had faded into something we called memories.

I am gonna plan and decide what am i going to do next, probably go do some part-time work to buy a new hp. After that close brush with death, i am not going to take things for granted again.

Probably i should do my share of encouraging people, people tag me but i dun tag people, its a unhealthy relationship u noe. Ya i did my share of encouragement but its like once in a blue moon. People always write cards to me but i dun write. I have actually prepared a stack of cards planning to write to linda, but hai~~~ Now the cards are on my desk, laughing at my foolishness and naivety. If u have received a card from me, u better READ it no matter wat!! Cos my handwriting is really like shit, hope u dun mind.

Thoughout that time, other than my "band of brothers". I am really grateful to sheena,alvin,huimin,angel and my leader brother bernard. Sheena, my jiemei, 1st one to know this thing, have really enlightened me about relationships are really not easy to maintain. She told me about her experiences and her own past. Its not easy telling someone ur own past, and she always treated me to good food when i am at my lowest point. Thank you for that!!!! Hope that one day i can help u back in my own way. Alvin, square face, although you are kinda "dumb" sometimes and sometimes lack some "life experience", but i am grateful that you are always there when i needed someone to talk to although ur mum keeps asking u to hang up hehe. I think in the future you will become a good leader, BUT!!, u gonna learn how to be more smart!! hehe But thank goodness u dun haf to face the same trials that i faced, for that i am glad enough. Huimin, minmin, although u are just 15 but sometimes i feel like you are 20, mature with a childlike touch on it. Always encouraged me thru my tagboard and cards. Although i can't be there for u sometimes, although i sometimes misses ur "low point", but i am glad that u will still encourage me and pushes me on. Thanks... Angel..,auntie hehe, Thanks for that sms u sent me, it was a very kind gesture and i am kinda touched. Although sometimes i make a fool out of you, but i am happy to have u as a friend. And lastly the award goes to...................(drumroll) Brother Bernard!!! Although 60% bald at the age of 26, but have the wisdom of a 50 yr old. What can i say.... Always dishes out advice when i needed(athough sometimes i dun heed it though hehehe). Always been there for me when i needed it, taught me that life is not fate or some shit destiny crap, its the choices that we make. I think that u are really wise, and taught me many things. Taught me that relationships are actually not as simple as i thought, the trick to maintain a relationship. When i was robbed that day, treated me to breakfast and told me that he is just glad i came back alive. Always laugh quietly when i am making digs at his hair hehe(promise to do less of it in the future hehe). He is the rare breed of people that i truly respect. Never "psycho" me to do anything, just through simple encouragement. Although i hate to admit it, but i think deep down in heart i see him as my father(although mine own pops popped several years ago). I have neber tasted much love in my life, i grew up with a hardened heart and was hateful and always thought "lao tian" is always playing me out. But yet he opened a new world and opened my eyes to see that actually there is light at the end of the tunnel. Been always there for me when i got into trouble. Thank God for you..... and u guys too.....

Double Impact

6 days after linda broke up with me, i went to J.B. On my way back, I got robbed at gunpoint outside city square, which is very near the customs. I lost my handphone and my money. Within a week, I received two blows in my life.

I was very scared at that time, i thought i would never make it back to singapore alive. But thank goodness i came back in one piece, not in a body bag. Besides that i almost lost my life, i also lost my precious hp, my memories with her was inside my hp. I could have been shot and go to dunnoe where.

I wonder if i was really got shot, how would she react? To tell u honestly, i am kinda curious. Sad? No reaction? cry like hell? For the first time in my life, i felt i have lost everything, love, self-esteem, confidence, faith and probably almost my life. I wonder how u guys will react if i really got shot hehe.... I wonder how my funeral will be like... choi choi choi....

After such a dramatic week, i am kinda tired. I feel like i am the receiving end of a very very bad joke made by God. Nice one god!!! Thanks for pulling off such a big prank on me. Damn now i know how John Constantine feels.

Sorry i am in a very very bad mood right now. Damn i really feel so f**ked up, so much that i cursed the robber whole family die(in cantonese). I just need some time to pick myself up again and earn some money to buy a better hp.

为什么这样子 你拉着我 说你有些犹豫

Hai~~~ a few hours after i wrote the previous entry, i received a break up sms from her. To tell u honestly i was not prepared for this, i thought maybe she is just angry or wat but then i never thought that things would come to this stage. It was our 1 mth anniversary.

It was the same old problem again, but then i felt that the time is really not enough. Within a month to change many things is really not possible. Think i jesus izzit? I asked sheena, alvin, brother bernard and some of my other friends. They also think that to change within a month is not possible. But then i gave my best to meet up with her expectations of me. But then this was not enough. I always give but yet i did not take. Probably this is the first time of my life that i really give a lot. Other people i dun give a damn but for her i am willing to give. But yet every time i open my heart, i always get hurt and this time it really hurts. My heart also not enough space to put this scar haha.

I really love her a lot, for her side i dunnoe but i really cherish this relationship. I could have chose to lie to her that i quit smoking but then i dun want, i can't bear to lie to her. But yet she thinks that everything that i said are lies. I dunnoe but do i really look so bad? I mean i admit i abit ah beng but am i a jerk?

She msged me that can we remain friends? I told her to that i would like to be left alone. To tell u the truth, i dun want to see her again. Brother Bernard told me to cool down first, and meet her up to talk. Talk about what went wrong, what is her expectations of me intially, what was the timeframe that was needed for me to change blah blah blah. Sit and talk like adults, easier said then done, i am not sure whether i can take another blow or not. The fear of rejection is so real that it really cuts me up. The agony, the pain, the sorrow, the anger, mashed up into one. If she rejected me intially, the pain is just one percent but things have come to this, i feel that i lost everything.

I smoked a lot for the past few days, dunnoe why the more i smoke the more sad i am. Probably due to the reason that this was part of the reason to break up. Why did i pick up smoking in the first place?! Life can be so cruel, the past always comes to haunt you like a shadow behind you. The more you run to the light, the longer it gets.

I tink i gonna lie low for these few days, get my mind in order before i plan the next move. Talk to her, remain friends or just zap her away from my life completely? I dunnoe, but i gonna be sad for quite a while though...........



"为什么这样子 你拉着我 说你有些犹豫 怎么这样子 雨还没停 你就撑伞要走 已经习惯 不去阻止你 过好一阵子 你就会回来 印象中的爱情好像顶不住那时间 为什么这样子 你看着我说你已经决定 我拉不住你 他的手应该比我更暖 铁盒的序 变成了日记 变成了空气 演化成回忆 印象中的爱情好像顶不住那时间 所以你弃权''

i can never understand girls

Recently, she is angry at me for some things. Like me haven quit smoking, skip class blah blah blah. Till now she is refusing to reply my sms and answer my calls hai~~~~ Wei sum me che yang zi~~

To tell u honestly, i dunnoe whether i can meet up with her expectations or not. I am a imperfect person, but i really love her very much. I dunnoe whether i can take this rejection or not. For someone who lived with rejection all his life, love seems like so far away. But yet when love comes, it can be so hurting. I have never experienced much love in my life, i was so used to being alone that i was numb to many things. My heart hardened so much that i refused to accept God. What is love? Damned if only i knew the answer. Yet this love have taken its toll on me.

But last night something really interesting happened to me. Last night i was so frustrated tat i could not sleep. Den i opened my wallet and a card dropped out. It was those kind of cards tat members of my cell wrote to me saying God loves you blah blah blah.... Den i thought of God, wondering should i pray or not. Den i thought aiya heck care lar who cares!!! Den dunnoe y i go listen to the radio cos i hardly listen to the radio. That time i was scrolling the channels den i was shocked to hear 'holy holy holy' on the radio. i thought can't be cos the channel is UFM. For a moment i thought i tuned in to Heaven's channel. Den it was the chinese version of the christian song. It said about angels,love and heaven. i think maybe it is a divine concidence, God if u are hearing this please fix this for me.

They say when u are with the someone that u love, Time flies, and when you are missing that someone, Time crawls, this i realli agree. Amazingly, i managed to get over missing her is by watching soccer and playing PS2 haha.
Recently i watched House Of Fury, and Gillian Chung is sooooooooooooooo cute!!!!!!!! I dun mind getting punched by her a few times hahahaha. wait till linda hears that hahaha. Recently i attempted to quit smoking but then i ended up in a high fever ,headaches, and continuous craving for nicotine. It was hell, well life is hell.In the end i still failed.

" Little by little, one by one, stealing my heart you already took me whole when I realized,This kind of thing never happened to me. Oh What happened to me.I would't believe nor hear that so-called love before I came to know you.Because you are the love who makes it all possible."


Ok bye for now k? sorry for the short entry hehe promise a better one nxt time.