I wonder what made me changed?

I watched the thai movie My Girl last week. In the movie, the boy have a female friend which is the same age as him. They played together and was practically stuck on each other until the boy changes his mind.

When i was watching this movie, i was reminded of my childhood days. I spent my weekends in the temple during my childhood days and i had childhood friends. We played and fought with each other there, we practically grew up together. Like the boy in the movie, i had a "female friend" haha. She was older than me by a year. Although she don't have pigtails and rosy cheeks but she was kind hearted and shared things with me. I was the youngest and the cutest(ahem) of the "boy gang", i was often alienated and bullied. Whenever she got something good from her mother, she would share it with me. I remember 1 time when the adults was not around, we played a couple, she was my wife and i was her hushand. we held hands, kissed(i am not kidding you), and hugged. That time i was damn young then, did not know that these things need a "parental guide advised" rating on it. Come to think of it, maybe the boys are jealous of me, thats y they bully me haha.

At that time, nothing material in this world mattered, attention, money,fame and popularity. Just me and her, innocent, carefree and childish. When i was bullied, she will come and play with me. When she was scolded by her hot-tempered mum, she would come to me. She came from a single-parent family, her hurt and hate was not evident then, but then somehow fate have put us together. Maybe she was the only 1 that could sense the hurt and hate within me then, and we was healing each other wounds.

She left my life when i was 11, she started to go to temple irregularly and stopped coming all together. After she left, i was starting my adolescent years and it was hell. Looking at the present me and the childhood me, it was really really a big change. I wonder did she change a great deal too? From a innocent, jovial and a happy kid to a hateful,spiteful and a heck care young man. I wonder what have made me changed? Was it the circumstances? Was it the adults? Or was it just myself? Years and years of hate compressed inside me, making me a wreck, been wanting to let go but the nightmares just won't stop. Sometimes people ask me y i don't want to find a stead. I would jokingly tell them lame reasons. Actually i have not found the courage to love someone, scared of going near someone. I have faced rejection all my life, scared that i may not be good enough for that someone. I have defence mechanisms in my heart, shooting down anyone who goes near including Jesus.

I wonder who can heal the hurt and hate within me, even the closest of friends have only soothed my wounds. I have been waiting for this person my whole life, but somehow i knew it may never happen.