Choices that I make

Recently at night, I reflected on my past. Reflected on the choices that i have made over the years the decisions that i made. Sometimes i do wish i have a Time-turner like Harry Potter to turn back time and make things right. But then come to think of it, if it wasn't for the stupid choices or decisions that i made back then, i would not be the "Tommy" that you guys know today.

Sometimes being too smart can be a pain in the ass also. Over the years, I taught myself many things the hard way, developing a type of street smartness in me. There are some things that i know will happen someday and sometimes when i see some situations that i know will affect me somehow or rather. Actually one look and i can see that people don't like me or just see me buay song because of some stupid reason. Sometimes rejection can be a bitter pill to swallow but i am quite used to it. Who cares whether that guy or gal don't want to tell u anything, who cares whether that particular person is starting to hate you or reject you. Sometimes rejection is part and parcel of life, i guess i have to live with it. There are some things i rather don't know den know. But then "street-smartness" can be a gift also haha.

There is one particular choice that i made surprised even myself. That i stayed on my current church for 2 years. I don't know what made me stay on. I remember i arrived on the door of my church as a soul-wearied traveller, tired, weary,cold and drenched with the rain of the outside world. The church was my refuge from the outside world and my dark past and i just wanted someplace to rest my soul. The church was just a harbour and a little piece of heaven for me. Tired of wandering around the "dark" and the "rain" , just wanted a place to shelter me before i moved on.

The church and my members fed me "hot soup" to warm my cold heart and start to creep into my life. I shut the door of my heart in their faces many times. Each time they try, each time they will receive a slam in their faces. In their eyes, i just wanted to be the joker and hope that they will remember me well when the time have come for me to leave. "Receive Christ?" U must be kidding me, "become a holy man" u are nuts!! Some even tell me that they have a vision that i will become pastor haha, i think thats is a screensaver haha. In the end, i stayed on and did not leave y? I really don't know.

There are some times that i really wanted to leave and travel on alone but then something always pulls me back. Was it God? I don't know, i never really truly wholehearted prayed in my life. There is 101 reasons not to come to church but then there is only 1 reason to come to church. I think u guys should know the reason.

At the last service the creation kids service, i purposely skipped the service to avoid meeting up with someone after the service. I feel bad about it, because that day i am surposed to be the cameraman. The person and i had a very deep misunderstanding caused by my members in my cell. We had a big emotional explosion and deep cuts in our relationship was caused. Although i am appalled and digusted with the way how my members handled this thing but still i explained my intention and my concern with them. Although i sort of patched up with my members but still my members have not explained things with him, i am not sure whether should i do it myself or not. I avoided him because i am afraid emotions will get high again and something bad occurs. But still i take things one step at a time and see how it goes, in the meanwhile i just play "dodgeball" haha.

Life is made up of choices and decisions, i can't get everything rite but at least i try to get my choices right. See you then, actually i wrote something else for this entry but i lack the courage to post it, maybe i will post it nxt week haha.