Death

Recently my greatgrandmother passed away, she was 98 and she went peacefully in her house. To tell you honestly, i was not surprised when i heard the news. She was senile and old, and she passed away peacefully.

In my whole life, i have only been involved in 2 funerals, this one and my father's one. My father's wake is much more sombre, because he was quite young and was killed in a freak accident at his workplace. He struggled for his life for 10 days in the hospital ICU and was in pain when he woke up from the morphine jabs. He passed away in pain without even a word, he could not talk for the whole time because of the tubes that was in his mouth. For him, death is a release from his physical pain. I was only 12 years old then.

Is death is a release? What is life after death? These answers i have been seeking for a long time. There are times when everything around me seemed exceedingly hopeless and i tried to sought death as my release but then somehow death was not an option for me. In life there are really no guarantees, nothing in life is definite. There is nothing in life that will be set in stone, course the only thing that will be set in stone is your name on your own tombstone haha.

When will i die? This is the question i sometimes will ask myself. Will i leave a legacy behind? I think how i die is not important, is whether how i live my life thats is the most important thing. I will try to cherish friends and people around me no matter what.

Low on morale

Recently things have been happening at home and church, these things have been affecting me for quite a while. Today when i go meet huimin, jane,daryl and a kid who i dunnoe wats his name, i have been trying hard to conceal it though. Although i did not hide it very well but i think i did quite an ok job on it.

I am not elaborating much on what have happened but i think i will be fine after a long mental rest. Even the joker will have to rest his mind. But i felt encouraged by Huimin's card encouraging me to study hard. Of course that is not relevant to my woes but at least a bit encouragement will do me fine. There are many many thoughts running through my mind right now but i dunnoe how to pen them down at once, probably i am just "tired".

Well goodbye and when i come back keep your eyes peeled for powerful stuff haha. So see you, i go and rest this mind of mine liao.

NJRC

Last last week i went science center to watch the St Marg's girl's robotics thing. As i reached there quite late, i was stuck outside unable to get in the booths with them. Well, daryl was lucky though he went there quite early and gotten in. i went to jurong library to wait for them to come out when the thing haf ended.

Daryl, huimin, jane and i boarded bus 66. Jane went home and huimin going tuition and daryl and i going bugis. On the bus i got scolded by a stupid old indian guy because i wanted to change places with that old freak(retribution haha).

Daryl and i saw huimin to her tuition center at Fu Lu Shou there, then suddenly she pushed 2 pieces of paper to daryl. At first daryl was so happy and excited until he saw his name together with mine hahahaha. When we opened the letter, a big thank you was sprawled on the 1st piece of paper, and in it huimin said that if it wasn't for our support she would not been there after all. The 2nd letter was addressed to daryl, something similar to the 1st letter was written also. (so unfair how come i dun haf hahaha)

I am kinda surprised by the letter, firstly i am not that "noble"to begin with. I went to science center because i had time between rock-climbing and cell. i am quite touched by the letter though, it said that she was touched by we going to support them. i really want to thank huimin for brightening up my day.

Choices that I make

Recently at night, I reflected on my past. Reflected on the choices that i have made over the years the decisions that i made. Sometimes i do wish i have a Time-turner like Harry Potter to turn back time and make things right. But then come to think of it, if it wasn't for the stupid choices or decisions that i made back then, i would not be the "Tommy" that you guys know today.

Sometimes being too smart can be a pain in the ass also. Over the years, I taught myself many things the hard way, developing a type of street smartness in me. There are some things that i know will happen someday and sometimes when i see some situations that i know will affect me somehow or rather. Actually one look and i can see that people don't like me or just see me buay song because of some stupid reason. Sometimes rejection can be a bitter pill to swallow but i am quite used to it. Who cares whether that guy or gal don't want to tell u anything, who cares whether that particular person is starting to hate you or reject you. Sometimes rejection is part and parcel of life, i guess i have to live with it. There are some things i rather don't know den know. But then "street-smartness" can be a gift also haha.

There is one particular choice that i made surprised even myself. That i stayed on my current church for 2 years. I don't know what made me stay on. I remember i arrived on the door of my church as a soul-wearied traveller, tired, weary,cold and drenched with the rain of the outside world. The church was my refuge from the outside world and my dark past and i just wanted someplace to rest my soul. The church was just a harbour and a little piece of heaven for me. Tired of wandering around the "dark" and the "rain" , just wanted a place to shelter me before i moved on.

The church and my members fed me "hot soup" to warm my cold heart and start to creep into my life. I shut the door of my heart in their faces many times. Each time they try, each time they will receive a slam in their faces. In their eyes, i just wanted to be the joker and hope that they will remember me well when the time have come for me to leave. "Receive Christ?" U must be kidding me, "become a holy man" u are nuts!! Some even tell me that they have a vision that i will become pastor haha, i think thats is a screensaver haha. In the end, i stayed on and did not leave y? I really don't know.

There are some times that i really wanted to leave and travel on alone but then something always pulls me back. Was it God? I don't know, i never really truly wholehearted prayed in my life. There is 101 reasons not to come to church but then there is only 1 reason to come to church. I think u guys should know the reason.

At the last service the creation kids service, i purposely skipped the service to avoid meeting up with someone after the service. I feel bad about it, because that day i am surposed to be the cameraman. The person and i had a very deep misunderstanding caused by my members in my cell. We had a big emotional explosion and deep cuts in our relationship was caused. Although i am appalled and digusted with the way how my members handled this thing but still i explained my intention and my concern with them. Although i sort of patched up with my members but still my members have not explained things with him, i am not sure whether should i do it myself or not. I avoided him because i am afraid emotions will get high again and something bad occurs. But still i take things one step at a time and see how it goes, in the meanwhile i just play "dodgeball" haha.

Life is made up of choices and decisions, i can't get everything rite but at least i try to get my choices right. See you then, actually i wrote something else for this entry but i lack the courage to post it, maybe i will post it nxt week haha.

St Margaret's

Today I went to attend a concert with Daryl at St Margaret's Sec. I also
meet up with Bro Chris's ex-students, Huimin,Jane and Weiqi. Huimin is
performing at the first segment. At first i did not see her but when she
smiles then i recognise her because her smile "sparkles" because of her
braces haha.
Daryl is particularly nervous today. Called me in the morning to confirm and
afternoon to confirm again although he have confirmed with me on the
previous day. Got our meeting place mixed up, and kept telling me to come
faster. Only when we reached the gate then he settled down. I wonder did he
"pontank" his tuition because of this concert haha.
Meet up with Jane at the school gate. Huimin's segment was not too bad except for a bit of offbeat. But she is a keyboardist, very very prone to offbeats. Just ask weiling and Sis Tracy,
when they play, i can cup my ears and know that they were offbeat why?
Because when they play wrongly or did not keep up with the tempo, they will
stick out their tongue or they will look horrified. I was joking away with
Jane and Huimin during the concert.
We had fun during and after the concert. I had my growling stomach silenced
at Macdonald's. We were laughing away at Macdonald's. The girls kept making fun of weiqi and a MP guy. Then i took a bus with
Huimin, then i found out behind this young and talented girl's facade was a
low-esteem and lack of self-confidence person. She felt like a loser before
her elder sister's successes.
How do you measure success? I don't really know. All i know is success can
never be measured. Can love be measured? Can righteousness be measured?
There are some things in this world that can't be measured. But yet humans
always go for things that can be measured like property, fast cars and cash.
Some people are damn bloody rich but they are cruel. Some people are famous,
well-educated but they are selfish, self-centered and horrible.
I try to lead my own life, not by somebody's standards, if i think this is
what i want i will go for it and try my best. No one is a loser in life,
cause you will always have something that other people don't have. Just like
Huimin, I am damn bloody sure that she will have something that her sister
don't have. Just that she just need a light to shine and guide her through.
Just like my leader asked us 'what is your passion?' I have not found it
yet, cause i am drying the wood to light my passion. If you have found your
true passion and purpose in life, i am sure you will lead a powerful life.
Just like the Carltex Ad, " what drives you?"